dried elbows

i never knew a man could hold so much contempt in his heart.
but from the start that seed of hate grew me apart.

from what could be achieved by the human spirit.
positivity, and longevity, the properties of all apsects harmonious with the song of six billion voices.


But all i hear are cries of the suffering while the rotten demons greed, and ignorance flourish.

all victims of this universal sickness, but apparently its nothing more than just business. and i carry this on my shoulders.

the tides are shifting

wow

i am about to enbark on a epic journey of the pristine, the strange, and the mysterious. i feel almost as if i havent embraced the inportance of what i am about to do, this new found independance and freedom will overwhelm me no doubt. i am now purely subject to my own decisions, there is no one to back me up once i cross the threshold into this new life. because i have relied so much on the dependancy of others it is absolutely fundamental i make all my decisions with absolute awareness of the possible outcomes. no more excuses, no more life lines, no more credit upon my behalf. it now a matter of how i handle my paintbrush, and how steady i can keep my hand from slipping. recent events have struck a new tone of seriousness in my life, my priorities have shifted practically over night, its inportant that i must add to the fact that the person who i am now will cease to be in the coming few months. this fact indeed frightens me or my ego more precisely and i am fully aware that the transition will not be faint. i need to keep myself humbled and flexible to embrace the new yet proud and rigid to preserve my integrity, because it is my future that is at stake, and ill be damned if i let it fall freely to the entropic forces that be.

i am excited to meet new friends, to explore new worlds, to obtain more knowledge, and to apply that knowledge. i want to master my full potential to become the self sustaining, determined man i was born to be. i must be strong during times of deppresion for i know that they will pass, i must embrace the times of joy for they too will also pass.

focus
integrity
humility

existential breakdowns whoooo

i layed there, staring at the deathly grey ceiling, patiently restless inside the emergency triage. emotionless faces gawk at me from every corner, and i layed there feeling completely exposed to the unforgiving fluorescent lighting of this 1970s hospital. the atmosphere was heavy with grief, heavy waves of paranoia kept my weary lids from embracing a peaceful solace all too easy. my shoulders ached and my fingers tingled from two hours of nonstop hyperventilation, a sense of existential despair hung over my troubled mind causing my ego to frantically rationalize such an abysmal situation i managed to manifest. the sheer terror i felt of my own inpending doom proved a worthy adversary, death was almost certain.

dehydrated, sleep deprived, drug induced panic attacks usually end up with a bad trip.
i was on a survival edge at this late hour. i was flying on copious ammounts of ingested THC, alchohol, and adrenaline resulting in many unwanted effects. hallucinating at a alarmed rate i was most definately living out my own self induced hell. the darkest and deepest depths of my mind displayed in such gross detail the deprivaties of human kind. for 6 hours my perception occupied the mind of a psychopathic shizophrenic, a worrisome philosipher, a musical mastermind, a visionary, a medium, an autistic savant, a weathered man and a scared little boy all at the same time. laying on that sretcher all of these archytpes of my ego patiently waited to die.

i saw death manifest, he was cloaked and hooded.
i still dont know what to make of that vision as it still weighs heavy on me.
i heard the bellowing sobs of a newly annointed widow down the hall lost in her own denial.

this is necessary, life feeds on life feeds on life......


it all weighs so heavy
i still havent slept

the smirk your dont see.

remember your specific tone
and be mindful of breath
leave, come around, bring it home
collectively we embrace an early death
stress contained inside a parameter of miridians
my impressionable mind absorbs like obsidian
infinitely dark and deep
as the city sleeps my eyes are wide open and blood shot
shocked my nerves on lockdown.
im a diplomat representing post truamatic
and it shows whithin my aura givin off static
if you want to get burned, my palms are open
for you to feel a world fragmented and broken
discretion is advised and theres no garuantee
that youll leave unscathed, so tread quietly
disturb the sleeping leviathan whithin
hell introduce you relentlessly to a life of sin

it dwells caged deep inside us all
these sapped gods who love to see our collumns fall
the two faced ego who pretends to stand tall
your disgusted face of indifference appalled
our biological mechanics sent into a frenzied panic
just like an addict frantic for his fix of polyesters and plastic
the true self hiding in an attic cluttered with forgotten magic
oldschool tactics acting as prophylactics in practice
but exploited and malpracticed turned 180 degrees flacid
its tragic your once great ego empire begs and pleas
tries to appease with desires on fire at 100 degrees
diseased souls always come in threes
prostrated before you on my knees i pray
in the name of the father the sun and the holy spirit
ive been waiting for you to respect my steez
and in your name i am thy instrument of silent violence
blissfull hatred
joyous slaughter
i cleanse these guilty hands in bloody water
and shed my victims tears
for i am his eyes i am his ears
and what i hear is constant fear

remember your specific tone
and be mindful of breath
leave, come around, bring it home
collectively we embrace an early death
look deep whithin that chasm in your chest
youll find an eroded soul by the waters crest
exhausted but still afloat.

the future looks green, and blue.

it still hasnt come to my absolute attention the fact that i am actually going to be starting a new life. a fresh canvas of endless possibilities awaits my eager stroke, yet even so with my new found sense of growth i feel my inexperience has sheltered me from the new world i am going to inherit. with this new freedom comes a responcibility i have not yet faced, and my plan of attack is to just jump eyes closed into the deep end. i am leaving my entire support structures behind, my family is officially defunct, a mere shell of what it once was and because of the current situation that surrounds us i no longer feel at home or welcome. my mates, my best friends, the browncell krew that we have mutually forged together has proven to be my most treasured asset here in calgary. my relationship with them has bonded subtle ties that have stood trial time after time, they could never be severed regardless if i wanted them too. they have been my emotional crutch through the most difficult times i have endured over the past several years, being the ears that listen without bias, the eyes that observe without judgement. something my family could hardly offer. being the souls that forged the very essence of who i am. i will miss them dearly.

i have a tendency to procrastinate even my own emotions, leaving them to erupt at the last minute. i can feel a tremor within that will mourn the experiences had in my birth town, regardless how much contempt i have for this place i will always represent and carry with me that disfigured yet innocent aura of calgary. i shall shed a large portion of the attributes i have acquired here for they will not be needed where i am going. my future is uncertain, and i am putting all my money on how the cards are dealt and how i play them. my priorities have drastically changed over the past several months, i regret nothing yet at this very moment i feel like i am wasting precious time. the dreams i seek are whithin tangible grasp, if i want this bad enough it is as good as mine. strangely enough, as an underlying motive of my unconscious i feel that i have played the feild quite enough to get a good grasp of what is out there. i am almost ready to be committed to someone who i could truly care for, this thought frightens me in truth, yet fills me with a kind of tearful joy i have not felt for years. could i just be a dreamer? perhaps, some would call me an idtion for falling my heart this blindly, i think it is necessary.

there is no turning back, i could not last another winter in calgary, my very sanity is at stake, my soul is on the brim of death. and i am pining for an ocean breeze and some green foliage.

id lie if i said it wasnt the first time you conjured the bridge to my restless anima that dwells so deeply recessed in my repressed unconcious. i possess a yearning to nurture your construct of potential, to piece back your zealous passion for your dreams, i want to see them catch a fire. you have bypassed your animus, and in doing so you have cleaved right through my salivating desire. for a time will come where we both will make a decision whether it is in our best interests to share that primal violence, that deadly pas'e doble of blood sweat and tears.

i must sort through my intentions, i cant afford to hurt you.

blogg cherry popped

the masses have a tendency to hold down a genius
a woman stalemated in pregnancy cant give birth to a fetus
that has a clean slate in this mess we call life
livin in strife we all gotta take spot in the sacrificial light
so we get to know the dark, fully vulnerable and stark naked
reflected amongst a pallete of infinite faces of the nameless
its problematic we were never left a template to automatically contemplate the autocratic magistrate
who piously self served large meals on golden plates
whilst the masses continue to flagellate into a spiral of mass hysteria
i dare ya to take a look beyond your suburban area
for the worlds cold and nobodies gonna tell ya
to keep one eye open and protect your cards from wandering eyes
because the only asset youll own is blanket of dirt and a casket
generation now heed my warning cuz the end is nigh
gotta pay the debts of your damage in order to save a wounded planet.

TBC