the future looks green, and blue.

it still hasnt come to my absolute attention the fact that i am actually going to be starting a new life. a fresh canvas of endless possibilities awaits my eager stroke, yet even so with my new found sense of growth i feel my inexperience has sheltered me from the new world i am going to inherit. with this new freedom comes a responcibility i have not yet faced, and my plan of attack is to just jump eyes closed into the deep end. i am leaving my entire support structures behind, my family is officially defunct, a mere shell of what it once was and because of the current situation that surrounds us i no longer feel at home or welcome. my mates, my best friends, the browncell krew that we have mutually forged together has proven to be my most treasured asset here in calgary. my relationship with them has bonded subtle ties that have stood trial time after time, they could never be severed regardless if i wanted them too. they have been my emotional crutch through the most difficult times i have endured over the past several years, being the ears that listen without bias, the eyes that observe without judgement. something my family could hardly offer. being the souls that forged the very essence of who i am. i will miss them dearly.

i have a tendency to procrastinate even my own emotions, leaving them to erupt at the last minute. i can feel a tremor within that will mourn the experiences had in my birth town, regardless how much contempt i have for this place i will always represent and carry with me that disfigured yet innocent aura of calgary. i shall shed a large portion of the attributes i have acquired here for they will not be needed where i am going. my future is uncertain, and i am putting all my money on how the cards are dealt and how i play them. my priorities have drastically changed over the past several months, i regret nothing yet at this very moment i feel like i am wasting precious time. the dreams i seek are whithin tangible grasp, if i want this bad enough it is as good as mine. strangely enough, as an underlying motive of my unconscious i feel that i have played the feild quite enough to get a good grasp of what is out there. i am almost ready to be committed to someone who i could truly care for, this thought frightens me in truth, yet fills me with a kind of tearful joy i have not felt for years. could i just be a dreamer? perhaps, some would call me an idtion for falling my heart this blindly, i think it is necessary.

there is no turning back, i could not last another winter in calgary, my very sanity is at stake, my soul is on the brim of death. and i am pining for an ocean breeze and some green foliage.